Diary 1: BETRAYED

Dear Diary,

Can I share a little downer? I don't know if you like to listen to problematic people because honestly, I don't. Not because I don't have the ability to listen to you, but I feel I am never the right person to open up to because I am not good at comforting people. But this time I need someone to talk to. I really do. You don't have to say anything. Just keep it. I only need to wash away these bad emotions.

I feel down. Of course I already mentioned that. I did, right? Well, I feel bad not because of the fact that that person betrayed me, but I gave that person the power to hurt me for the nth time. This is the time that I feel so dumb. Most people praise me for being smart, but this is exactly the reason why I've never felt complete happiness when someone tells me I am smart. I feel I don't deserve it. I never thought I could be this stupid. :( I never thought I could be this stupid when it comes to THAT PERSON. That person hurt me for the nth time. I kept on saying goodbye and wishing that person well. Years would pass and I take that person back again. WHY COULDN'T I JUST WALK AWAY? It's that simple, but why can't I do it?

I am such a coward. A C-O-W-A-R-D!!! I feel such a mess today. I am good at tasking others. I am good at instructing people how to do things, but how ironic is that? I cannot even have myself do what I was supposed to do years ago! And I had numerous chances to do it over and over again and yet I kept on forgiving thinking that person will improve through time. I get tired, too. I am tired. In movies getting tired of a person is enough of a reason to walk away. But I can't.

I just cant.

Because I have so much space in my heart for that person, that even though that person keeps on breaking every room I keep that person for the moment, there are three other chambers where that person can stay while the broken part is nursing back to health again.

STUPID HEART.

Love always,

Mindy